Please go check out my video on YouTube. It’s a simple thank you for everyone who has kept up with my series The Break Up. I just wanted to let everyone know that I really appreciate all the advice and critiques as I enjoyed the entire process. The video can be found here. Also I’d ask that everyone check out my new series Messages From LV. I posted only a snippet of it to spark some interest and the rest of the first part will be posted tomorrow morning so be on the look out. If you haven’t already, you can check out the final part to the series The Break Up: Aftermath. Again, thank you all so much.
-Too Distinct the Poet
It wasn’t a dream. I just woke up wishing it was. What I wouldn’t do for a genie right now. My first wish would be that I didn’t say any of the things I did last night. I was stuck regretting it all but it just felt so good at the time. To get everything off my chest that I’d been bottling up for months. The way it all spilled out you’d think I was a soda factory. So why was I so hurt? A question I already knew the answer to. It shouldn’t have come out that way. My delivery shouldn’t have been so harsh. She didn’t deserve that and because of it our relationship is probably over. You should always be careful what you say especially when your upset. You should hold your tongue like you would a newborn baby. How could I ever be so careless? If the words were swords then I was throwing knives at her and her feelings where my targets. I’d done more than hurt her, I’d killed her emotionally. Why do we always hurt the ones we love? Is it because the expectations are so high? I’m really not sure but one thing I was sure about was that we were done. Arguments aren’t department stores, you can’t just take things back and everything is fine afterwards. What’s done is done. Maybe we both should have been more open. Then again it’s easy for me to say “we” when I’m the one who caused this. It only takes one small leak to sink a ship yet my statements were an iceberg and her emotions were the Titanic. A catastrophic event for sure. 1 month later…
Staring in the mirror trying to gather myself as I had for the past 30 days. Sometimes it still didn’t feel real. I had finished my novel which helped to take my mind off of her but I couldn’t help but see her as her designs were everywhere. In stores, on celebrities, in magazines and even on television. At one point it was us against the world and then Armageddon happened. Then it was only us against each other. Still staring in the mirror I was left with only a few thoughts…
Break ups are strange. Strange because the people who break up aren’t the same people who started a relationship. See, the goal is to continuously grow together. Unfortunately though, sometimes you only grow apart. In the end you’re stuck looking in the mirror feeling like not only is the person you’ve broken up with unfamiliar, but you don’t even know yourself anymore.
-Too Distinct the Poet
“It’ll be fine, babe.” She said comfortingly. “I know.” I lied. Those were her last words as she left me. I was still trying to complete the same novel I thought I’d be done with months ago. I was stuck and she was moving on. By moving on I mean her career was booming. Since she had made the dress for the awards show about 3 months ago her name was out there. She was getting calls from just about any celebrity you could name from D list all the way up to A list for any and every event. She even had to hire a staff and get a larger office all within a month. I was happy for her but I was suffering. To see so much success right in my home yet none of it came from me was slowly but surely killing my will to continue writing. I did my best to smile for her and tell her how proud I was but you’ll never feel this incomplete until you see someone you love be made whole while your destiny is still loading. Whether I was an optimist or realist at this moment I felt like the glass that was half empty. I thought it would’ve happened by now. I figured we would come up together. Now she was flying at the top and I was swimming at the bottom. Unfortunately I wasn’t a talking lobster so I didn’t like being under the sea. They say at your lowest point is when you’re forced to rise yet I was trying to figure out how much lower I could go. My life had become the ultimate game of limbo. Honestly, I loved her but resented her success. Though she had remained the same woman I loved, I changed. Her accomplishments changed me. This was the worst thing that could’ve happened. I couldn’t focus for thinking so much about what she had already done. She was on all the blogs and gossip sites. She was the young seamstress who made her way out of hardships and pain all to be a great designer and upcoming stylist. I was never mentioned. Not that I wanted to be. I mean…did I? I wanted to be a great author. I wanted to be mentioned with the legends. I was in the middle of creating the next big thing. Now all I cared about was being mentioned as her significant other. I wanted to be acknowledged. I wanted credit for being by her side. The crazy thing was that she never seemed to care. I never mentioned it to her but she never brought it up either therefore I figured she just didn’t care. “I’m home, sweetheart!” She said happily. Happy to see me I hope. Had I done this again? Had I spent my entire day thinking about her? Her success? My lack thereof? How could I let her popularity kill my dreams? None of this made sense to me, it made me irate in fact. “Hey.” I said. “Is everything ok?” She asked concerned. “Yeah, just tired.” I responded shortly. “Would you like to take a nap?” “I said tired not sleepy!” I snapped. She looked quizzical. “Did I do something to you?” “You did everything!” I was letting loose. “I can’t focus. I have no drive. You are my everything and I’m nothing to you! You’ve fell for your new love. Your job has replaced me! I’m always home trying to write but you’re never her! You’re never around to comfort me! Never here to help my creative process and that’s all I ever did for you!” I was allowing my anger to control my tongue. Maybe I’d regret it later but it felt so good right now. I looked and she had tears streaming down. “How could you say those things to me?” She asked hurt. “It’s all true! The blogs never mention me so neither do you! Your interviews and articles you never once mention me as your inspiration! It’s always your life and things that you’ve been thro-” “You’re apart of my life! Our relationship is all apart of my life!” She screamed. “But you are my life! You are everything to me! There’s nothing on this earth I want more than you!” I retorted. “My success isn’t all credited to you! I love you! I love you so much but it’s not all because of you!” She snapped back. Those words were swords to my speech. I couldn’t speak. It was as if my soul bleed with tears of agony. My entire novel was inspired by her and our relationship. It had started as a short story a year ago and was transformed into what it had become now and it was all because of our experiences together. To hear her say that I wasn’t her total inspiration was to hear Edward Scissorhands scratch a chalkboard. I couldn’t believe it. It was as untrue to me as the notion of God not being real was to a Christian. “So you don’t want them to speak about us because your work wasn’t influenced by us?! Is that it? We don’t matter to the conversation because it was never us, it was just you. I never did anything for you!” I yelled in heartache. “That’s not all true! You weren’t even liste-” “I was listening!” I cut her off. “You don’t want them to know about us! You never have! I know exactly why too!” I shouted. “Do not go there!” She snapped back. “No, it’s true. You don’t want them to know the truth. You don’t want to be just another gay designer thrown out into the world with another sob story of how your parents didn’t accept you! You don’t want your past to come out and that’s impossible if you tell them about us! Maybe you’ll keep me around as long as I keep my mouth shut. Maybe now you’re ready to leave and find a man. That way no one suspects anything! You can live your facade with some man you’ll never truly love all for the sake of continuing your career because you’re too afraid of what might happen if you come out!” I cried. “I can’t. I just can’t.” She said. “You can’t what?” I asked confused. “Be here.” She said as she grabbed her purse and left…Immediately my eyes were open. Had all of that been a dream like one of those tv show episodes? Today was Halloween, maybe I’d had my worst nightmare…
-Too Distinct the Poet
So it’s a Friday night, right? Yes, that’s the answer. You’re probably browsing wordpress along with other sites while some scary pre-Halloween movies play on your television. I’m not trying to tell you what to do but maybe you should check out my short story. Part 1 is an introduction to the lives and loving relationship of a wonderful couple and while part 2 may seem like they’re a little too in love, you should be on the lookout for the release of part 3 tomorrow. Thanks for lending me your eyes and as always comments and critiques are not only accepted but also appreciated.
-Too Distinct the Poet
“Thanks for last night, babe.” She said as she left for the office. Knowing that she was happy meant the world to me. To know that she woke up happy because she was so pleased with last night made my morning even better. I had a lot of work to do as did she but we both started off on the right foot. I have a novel I’ve been working on seemingly forever. I was hoping to get it done soon and getting it to a major publishing company would be huge for me. She had to continue working on a dress design for some celebrity for an awards show. I can’t remember who but I know it would do wonders for her career if she could impress them so I was encouraging her every chance I got. I wanted her to be successful more than I wished it for myself. Well better get started…”Thank god you’re back!” I exclaimed as she walked through the door of our cozy 2 bedroom apartment. “Did someone miss me?” She asked playfully. “I most definitely did, you were gone for almost ever. I counted.” I played back. Truth is I actually did miss her. Nothing was better than her presence. Nothing. “So how did the writing go?” She asked concerned. “Pretty good.” I lied. I’ve had writers block constantly for some time now and I’ve really been frustrated but I’d never wish to make her apart of my personal problems. I wanted her to always be as happy as she was on our anniversary yesterday. “How was your day?” I asked hopeful. “She loved the designs! She wants me to make the dress ASAP that way we can get it fitted. Then if something happens we can do altercations accordingly.” She was excited and I was so happy for her. “What could happen in such a short amount of time?” I asked inquisitively. “Oh you know, sudden weight gain or loss, something like that. Celebrities with their binge diets and what not.” She explained. I still didn’t remember who the woman was but she didn’t have to know that. I just needed to be happy for her, no reason to tell her I forgot and risk upsetting her…
“Pizza?” I asked already knowing the answer. “Always.” She said smiling. Friday’s were always our pizza night since neither one of us wanted to cook. What are weekends for if not being lazy? For me it was about two uninterrupted days with the woman I loved more than I loved myself. There was nothing she could ever do to make me stop loving her. Nothing. Things may not have been going well for me work wise but as long as I had her, there was nothing else I’d ever want. Nothing. I had never felt this way about another soul and though it was somewhat scary I was ready to take on new adventures as long as she was by my side. “What was that noise?” I asked confused. “The doorbell, silly. You’ve been staring in space for like half an hour.” She teased. “Guess I just got lost in my thoughts again.” I said laughingly. “Well go open the door and get our food so we can get lost in each other.” At that moment my appetite for pizza had diminished as I became increasingly starved for her essence. I would lose myself in her ocean of love and hopefully be lost forever in her pleasure filled abyss.
-Too distinct the poet
All comments and critiques are appreciated. Thank you.